Living without

In the first few days of my travels I have come to understand that I can live without. Without food, sleep, shower, or an extended plan (No, really as I am writing this I haven’t eaten in 17+ hours). I don’t know whether this emerged from my childhood and the way I was raised or the tragedies I have endured. I look at this ability as a gift much like the other existential gifts I have received due to life’s process. Although these “gifts” come about from difficulties in my life I cannot give them back as I cannot change the things that caused them to emerge. Life can work two ways which is all dependent on your persepective, the world can break you down or build you up. Being immersed in a Buddhist culture helps to remind me of this everyday. The Buddha taught of Dukkah which is roughly and I mean very roughly translated to “suffering”. As the Buddha lived 26 centuries ago the translation seems unsatisfactory. As far as I understand it Dukkah represents suffering and/or pain, impermanence, and a conditioned state. All of which in my opinion can be represented by the concept of impermenance, as everything in this life will eventually change. The only thing that can be controlled is ones own outlook on these ideas. Just as pain, suffering, change, and conditioned states come into our lives a gentle breeze can set them floating away, if we let them go. As I write these words I also admit that I am still learning to live them. I am still learning to live without my daughter. My mother, step mother, grandparents, and best friend I have become accustomed to their nonexistence. They are gifts that reside in my psyche, holding onto their personalities in my head. I often converse with them and ask for guidance. The hope is that I can keep them alive in me and try to remember what they might have said to me, what wisdom might have come from them. This is the thing which life cannot be lived without, love. Although they are forever gone and the others are on another side of the world I feel their love as I hope they do mine. This is what keeps me alive and inspired. It is what gives me the courage to, pack up and run away.

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