The Future

I realized today as I was being chased through the national preserve in Ao Nang by monkeys that I am ready to look toward my future. This has been a constant struggle for me, it has also brought me much mental anguish. It was the main topic of discussion for most of the two years I was in therapy after my daughter passed.   It consumed me as I was a planner before that, constantly conjuring up goals and making plans to see them through. They did not always come to fruition but there were always schemes in place and things to do that kept my mind and body busy. After the the rug was pulled from under my feet and the path I had put in 6 years of effort for was shrouded it was if I was lost in the jungle at night. Scared, anxious, and unsure barely scratches the surface of what I felt like at that moment and for at least a year after. The only things I was able to decide on was to travel, it had always been a life goal and luckily still was. I started small with a visit to Los Angeles to visit some dear friends of mine who had always supported me. I played tourist and went out with them and their friends. I saw that they had surrounded themselves with loving and foundational people. I then went to New York City by myself and saw what treasures the Big Apple held in store and fell in love. Standing atop the Empire State Building I came to a realization that although we believe ourselves to be individuals the human race is more like single called organisms that can only thrive when together. We feed off each other good, bad or indifferent and cannot survive without one another. Then came Thailand trip one for an entire month which fed me spiritually and also gave me a goal when I returned to the states. To do everything I can to get back on the road. My planning spirit came back in full force and with vengeance. I wrote and saved and researched until the day came to leave. This is most likely what prompted my current mindset of finding more major goals. I am ready to pick up my machete and hack through the jungle until I find a road that suits me.

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